Manny: “Do you think I should wash my beard?”
Bernard: “I think you should, yeah. You should wash your beard, then shave it off, nail it to a Frisbee and fling it over a rainbow.”

—

Bernard: It’s all waffle! Nobody is prepared to admit that wine doesn’t have a taste.
Manny: Of course you can’t taste anything, you smoke eighty bajillion cigarettes a day. What’s that you’re eating?
Bernard: It’s some sort of delicious biscuit.
Manny: It’s a coaster!