A NUMBER OF MAJOR EARTHQUAKES MEASURING FROM 3.2 ON THE RICHTER SCALE,
HIT IN THE EARLY HOURS OF MONDAY 21ST OCTOBER 2002 EPICENTERED ON
MANCHESTER, UK.

Victims can be seen wandering aimlessly muttering: “Fookin’ shaking,
yow,“ “Fook“ and “Someone just twocked me ‘ouse“. The Earthquake
decimated the area, causing approximately £10 worth of damage. Subsequent to
the seismic activity, some fireworks missed their intended human targets,
causing damage to nearby historic and scientifically significant
litter. It is estimated that, during the confusion, over £5 million worth of
robbery-time was lost, damaging the Mancunian economy. Many were woken
well before their giro arrived. Thousands are confused and bewildered,
trying to come to terms with the fact that something interesting has
happened in Manchester.

One resident, Donna-Marie Dutton, a 17-year-old mother-of-three said,
“It felt just like when that fookin’ Magic bus hit t’fookin’ ‘ouse.
Little Chantal-Leanne came running into my bedroom shouting “fook“. My
youngest two, Liam-Noel and Kevin slept through it. I was still shaking
when I was watching Trisha the next morning.“

Apparently, though, looting did carry on as normal. The British Red
Cross have so far managed to ship 4000 crates of Red Stripe to the area to
help the stricken masses. Rescue workers are still searching through
the rubble and have found large quantities of personal belongings
including fireworks, Burberry caps, benefit books and jewellery from Elizabeth
Duke at Argos.

HOW YOU CAN HELP

This appeal is to raise clothing and food parcels for those unfortunate
enough to be caught up in it. Clothing is most sought after. Items
required include: -

Caps
Adidas tracksuit bottoms
White socks
Boots

Food parcels may be harder to put together but necessary all the same.
Required foodstuffs include: -

Pies
Chips
McDonald’s
Red Strips
Fireworks

Mancunians have insisted to avoid problems “wit’ the fookin’ rozzers“
they don’t need any more handouts but just wish to be able to “help
themselves“ in this difficult time, more than the just dole money they
already claim (for five different people). £10 can provide a hammer, which
can be used to ‘twock’ grannies and back up shoplifting exploits,
providing enough money to support a family of scallies on McDonalds for the
foreseeable future. £5 will provide a Mancunian with essential “E’s and
Scag“. 22p buys a biro for filling in a spurious compensation claim If
you can afford it, £120 buys a new pair of Nike Airs, justifying one
scally’s decision to tuck their tracksuit bottoms into their socks, and
helping said individual avoid being caught while nicking said trainers
from JD Sports.

Please do not send money directly to Mancunians, as there is a good
chance they’ll come looking for you, realising in their primitive way,
that where there is money to give away, there is great potential for
robbery.